Camden 0, Maddie 1

[madwitch]

Well, that was a fab day of much coffee and gossip and mild bitching and giggling like idiots and wandering round shops and falling in love with several skirts and buying one and then more coffee. It was much in the way of funky, and there was wonderful company.


Have been contemplating much this holiday season, in a way I am unable to do before the event. There was less of the grief at Telford Family Xmas this year, although it was still apparent. This was the time of year where we pushed the boat out for Pops, really. Decorating the house was his special joy, and there were huge trees and tinsel everywhere and twinkly lights for miles. And then photos of the pretty. Of course, nothing is the same now. 4th xmas on, we've gone from nothing to some understated tinsel in a couple of rooms at C's. The parental home will never be the base for celebrations again, as Mum can't bear that and I'm certain that trying to host xmas in the room he died in would be a non starter, and anyway she's selling up and moving to London next year. FEAR. Still, I hate it. It gets to me, probably worse than the anniversary does, and I'd rather be doing something else. On expressing this opinion to certain friends, I've been told that I should skip it one year, do something else, give myself a break, but I won't.

I adored my Dad, and I miss him every single day, more than there are adequate words for. He gave me everything I needed to be happy, and a hell of a lot more besides. Not least of which are the Telford Stupidly Long Legs. He is a large part of the reason that I am who I am. But, you see, I have a lot of life left ahead of me. I have madcap plans to come up with and live through, years of joy and greatness to indulge in, and there will be people to share this with, to giggle insanely with at the special mad plans that only we can fully understand, to run amok with, and all the good things. Mum has a lot of friends, and she's a star at making new ones, but her co-conspirator is gone and no matter who else comes into her life, that great conspiracy that was the Telford - Caswell pairing is never coming back. There are memories, and there are her insane, brilliant and, most importantly, happy children.

And so, I may bitch and moan about the enforced Family Gathering, but it's not really that hard to plaster a smile on my face and make my Mum happy. She's spent all of my life looking after me when the world was hell, and she gave me the Caswell Fantastic Hair. I have most of the rest of the year to worry about myself.

Things get easier, just as long as we let them.


Back to work tomorrow. Well, back to sitting in the office internet slacking and taking long lunch breaks, as, barring emergencies, there will be bugger all work to do. I shall be making the most of it, as next year is going to be The Year From Hell in our little work world.

Comments

[taimatsu]

I have just hit this thing with a vengeance. This is Christmas number three post-mother, and the last two were pretty much standard family Christmas except without her - same house, same people (usual godparent guests etc), same food, minimally different stocking tradition, etc.

This year it's the new house, we have the girlfriend and her daughter, we don't have the godparents (because girlfriend does not get on with godmother), we have the dog, we have a girlfriend takeover of stockings, we have close to zero discussion about how things work...

I miss my mother far more than I remember doing last year. And I've only just identified that that's what's really going on (not that everyone else is horrible and crap and vulgar and revolting). It's been grim. :/

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

We changed things from the first one. And I oddly miss the old family xmas, much as I moaned about how dull it was at the time. But also, when I look back, I think the first two years post-Dad were, in a way, easier than the last year has been, although not better. Maybe it just took that long for the shock and the numbness to wear off. Although year three had less grief and sadness, it's had a lot more missing and much sharper pain. Still, it's only moments. We should be less concerned with the moments and more concerned with the rest of our time.

[taimatsu]

*nod*

My father is raising the issue of whether we will do a family Christmas at all in the future, because this one has been so awful. I am in two minds about it all :/

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

We will. Mum needs them. And in all truth, there are going to be a lot more christmases ahead of me where I have no chance to spend it with her than there are family ones to have.

Plus, adding wine means I can plaster on smiles much more easily.